Monday, June 28, 2010

Out of Steam

The only other time I can remember being so thoroughly exhausted as this was UPS finals/ graduation.

For me, it's not necessarily all of the things that I am doing that make me tired.  It's the thought of everything that needs to get done.  I'm a notorious list maker.  Through college I had a cafe board on which I made lists of everything that needed to be done.  Everyone always talks about wonderful it feels to cross something off the list; I get almost as much relief our of making them.

But, sometimes the lists don't help.  Since we got fired I've been having trouble sleeping.  It takes me an hour or two for my brain to stop cataloging all that needs to be done (packing, cleaning, Visa applications, itinerary finalizing, etc) and fall asleep.  Then if I wake up at any point, it starts all over again.  Last night I nearly hopped out of bed because I randomly remembered that I wanted to find a vegan whipped cream recipe for Mom.  Stress does ridiculous things to me.

It's not as if I was sleeping well before we got fired; our bed is rock hard and the mattress is starting to break down where I normally sleep because it has no give at all.  I went to bed at 11:30 last night and got up at 8:40.  I was doing a little reading during one of my breaks and I actually dozed off for a minute or two.  I should be functioning better on 9 hours of sleep.

Aside from physical energy, I don't have much either.  I'm so disconnected from this job.  The lesson plans I made today are lazy and while I feel bad for the students (the ones who aren't urchins), I honestly don't think they care.  I'm officially a warm body to fill a (legally sanctioned) position until they find a replacement.

Julia tried to greet me in the hall and I mostly ignored her.  I tried to smile a little to be polite, as I don't want any complications regarding our last paychecks.  But, I think I only managed to twist my face into a grimace.  Later, Montana popped his head into my classroom to tell me there was pizza for the staff.  I said okay and sat back down at my desk, not intending to do any interacting that wasn't obligatory.  Then Terry (Julia's son) came in with the pizza box and a cup of Coke.  I told him I didn't want any.  I wanted to tell him where he could put the pizza and coke, but I didn't.  He seemed very surprised and left.  

We have been told that our presence is required at a meeting tomorrow at noon.  I don't know what it will be about, but Ian and I have several things we need to clear up (taxes, date of our last payment), so we will take full advantage.  I'm not sure if Julia will be there.  Either way, we're going to discuss the effectiveness of such meetings.  We don't want to attend any more.  After all, our letter cites seeing no solution to our faults as a reason for letting us go, so why bother?

Good night!


  1. You should try some yoga or meditation to clear your mind before bed. Please don't worry about the vegan whipped cream, I did not intend for you look it up, only thought maybe you knew of one already. 9 hrs. of sleep is plenty unless your body is dealing with stress, and you definitely are doing that. Stress is hard on your whole system, so try to do something that will re-leave some of it. Look up Dr. Weil's breathing exercises, I can't remember the ratio off the top of my head but they are simple to do anytime during the day. all you need is a chair. I have used them in the past and they help tremendously.

    Now, What the hell is wrong with those people! I guess they must look at it as just business , nothing personal? This bad ride just does not quit. One thing is for sure , you have the makings of a good book about an Expat in South Korea. With the right publicity, I see it on the New York Best times list, or what ever that list is.
    Well, I am off to do some breathing exercises.

  2. I think it's so hard packing now Casey because it's letting go of the past and from my own experience moving on, every item I pack has some sort of a memory attached to it so it's not just the physical actions...all of the emotional stuff comes up one more time and that IS tiring. I would imagine there is a good cry that will come to the surface before too long for both of you, it's been a hell of a ride for too long.........I think your mum's suggestion is right on and for me to find somewhere quiet in Nature to do the breathing also would be good for me...I'm typing so softly, it's almost as if I don't want to do anything to jarr you, I can feel how fragile you are feeling...I learned a trick long ago that has helped me thru some rough spots and it's the same one that I suggested with running I think and it is to put your conciousness on your destination..and let your God pull you and guide you to that spot...something really simple like sitting on the couch with Ian and your Mum and Dad in Cosmopolis and feeling their love and warmth and the relief to be home with them in Cosmopolis. You've already left Korea that's obvious so put your mind on your final destination, forget about figuring anything else out emotionally for now. and just will be back before you know it and will be able to get a much better perspective once you have some distance from the source of your emotional pain. And guess what..I'm smiling..the absolute UGH of this whole situation is one step behind a HUGE giggle, understanding and peace of mind....It"s OK to let go and rest Casey, we've got your back....hugs and love to you both....Wendy and Cookie Cat xoxox( he's snoring and dreaming of mousies)

    um in Cosmopolis